Monday, March 30, 2009

Critical moms...are you one?


I ask this because I think I might be one. I don't want to be. 
I want to be positive and supportive. I also want to be a sounding board, not a judgement maker.

So, why can't I keep my mouth shut? When my son is so sweet to meet me uptown to help me and I notice how nice he looks and tell him... why can't I keep it at that?
No, I also have to add that when he gets home he should make sure that he folds the sweater he is wearing, instead of hanging as there are dents in the shoulders from the hanger.

When my daughter comes down in the morning all showered, blow dried, and fresh- I tell her how she is so lucky to look so good in the morning...
But do I have to also say that I wish she would wear some of the beautiful clothes she has in her closet instead of her sweats and hoodies?

When I was young, I had vowed to myself  that when I was a Mom I would never be critical about  my children's appearance...  I think I was good about it when they were young and I could control what they wore.  So I had a false sense of thinking I wasn't critical...

Now they are older and I HAVE to stop making comments about their choices regarding their attire. I am really going to try.

Do you control yourself regarding your children's appearance?
I NEED to know!

18 comments:

Mrs. K said...

oh yeah- nuf said :)

Susan said...

BIG TIME... but, I too, try and start off with something positive first...but then when you think about it...the last thing they hear is the BUT...
yes it's great you washed your hair.... BUT how about brushing it!
yes it's great you love those flip flops...but it's DECEMBER!

Frau said...

Oh yeah! Hello we come from the same family tree aren't they call back handed compliments or something like that. Thank god I only have one childs life to Eff up!

Pink Martini said...

Thank you Preppy Player for I too have sinned. My latest...my son had just finished playing in the music competition and it was the first time I had seen him that day. I mentioned how great they sounded and then told him he needed to get his hair cut and washing it would be a good idea too. Not only did I say this to him, I said it in front of a few people. It was one of those surreal moments where you think, did I say that out loud and can I take it back. I felt awful about it and still do. Thank you for letting me confess.

OHN said...

I do it all the time and I hate myself when I realize what I am doing. BUT, the one beautiful thing about being a mom...the kids always think you are nuts anyway, and they know you are "just being mom" and that you love them so the negative goes in one ear and out the other.

Reenie said...

So you all do know that you do it!

My mother still controls by wardrobe, by instituting a "pay or play" type system. If she shops with me and approves of a purchase she pays for it. If I'm on my own, I'm on my own.

So I'd say 80% + of my wardrobe is fully Mom approved. Sometimes I combine them in ways that I know she won't like. This passive aggressive streak in our relationship is something we're working on.

Mom on the Run said...

Always, but since DOTR is pushing 50 and still can't dress himself, I look at it as a service to their future spouse ;-}

Ronda said...

Oh yes I do, and hate it every time! As soon as I say something----I wish so much that I didn't say that.
We went out to breakfast this weekend, and my neighbors girls (sweet, sporty teens) went with us. They wore mesh navy gym shorts, tee shirts and UGG BOOTS!!!!

XOXO

Pearls To Hide My Neck said...

I'm with MOTR! I feel it's my duty to tell them when they need a bit of help. It's not like they don't know though. Just looking at my expression and eye rolling kind of gets the point across. (can't figure out why the kids do the same facial expressions!)
I'm doing their future spouses and inlaws a HUGE favor.

preppyplayer said...

Mrs K- I guess I'm not alone!

Susan- Yes, the beginning is always good, if I would just stop there!

Pink-You may confess anytime, cuz I'm sure I've done worse.

Ohn-I do think they KNOW we love them unconditionaly.

reenie-sorry, yes it's true. We do it knowingly, but not without guilt:)

MOTR- I guess I could look at it as a service to my future son and daughter-in0laws...

Ronda- I know. I see other kids dressed the same awful way as my kids and I would never say a word to THEM, only to my own.

Pearls- So you and MOTR see it basically, as a public service? I can live with that :)

Joyce said...

Hey my friend- the good thing is you are aware, but I truly don't think you are as bad as you think. They know you love them and have only their best interest at hand.
Prep you come up with some good topics!! Hugs....xoxo

PS If it is any consilations I would ask my husband to fold his sweater too.

preppyplayer said...

Thanks Joyce, you always make me feel better!

the Preppy Princess said...

On an entirely different topic Miss Player, you were tagged in today's post... or did I tell you this already?!

Arrgghh!
tp

t.t. millers said...

I think I was more critical when I was first married. I have learned (thru counseling) how to express myself in a more positive way. It has taken a long time to change my ways, but it is so worth it! I didn't want to by like my mother was towards me. I wanted to be a better person and a better mother. Don't get me wrong ~ I'm not perfect. I think the key is being aware! You can't change if you are not aware of what you are doing....
I'm proud of you!!

patty said...

Thanks Joyce and Tami!

Ina J Offret said...

Being a stepmother solves that problem immediately. We stepmoms have opinions but MUST keep them to ourselves !!! I liken being a stepmother to doing thankless charity work. They will never be satisfied so on learns to compliment the obvious and leave it at that. xoxo

Caffeine Court said...

I try so hard not to do it!! We want to help them, but it's probably better to keep it to ourselves.

Then again, if our advice is good, maybe it's okay. We love them and they know it.

EntertainingMom said...

Ooh, I am overly critical. I can't help it. I know I am not the only one who judges. My kids are 10, 8 and 3.5. The oldest is a girl and the other two boys. They are at the age where they will wear anything I put in their drawers. Classic, clean, New England prep... My daughter used to look darling... all the time. But now she wants to dress like her friends. The majority dress like slobs. Some of the styles they choose do not look as well on her. In the end we'll buy the clothes we both agree on. Even still she often doesn't look tidy or put together. I try not to be too harsh on her, but if she is going out in public I DO care what my child looks like and I do not think it is wrong of me. I know this is just the beginning. And while I do not want to be thought of as too judgemental I also want my kids to know there are ways that I do expect them to look and act. Frankly I think our children (meant as a general term for American children) have gotten lazier and sloppier. My children will not fall into that category... as long as I am alive!